Mother – 39

11 09 2016


Whatever you do, don’t ask mother about gardeners. She’s had plenty of them through out the years.

There was the nervous gardener. Would never say when he was coming, would suddenly show up and start work – and mother would only know he was there if she spotted him through the window. Or when he came to ask for payment. He then vanished for good.

Then there was the professional gardener. A small lady with a big hat pulled down over her eyelids that would charge by the hour and take ages to do any job. Mother felt tired just watching her as she struggled to push an electric lawnmower across the lawn. Mother worked out that it was costing her about 20 pence per. blade of grass, she was that slow. The professional gardener was politely let go of.

Then there was the gardener with the bad back. (Bad back?).
He frequently cancelled appointments due to (you guessed it), his bad back.
Mother witnessed him being carried off from the next door neighbours lawn a few weeks ago by two strangers, lifted into his van groaning, hands still gripping his hedge trimmer. He was politely let go of. (And hopefully he let go of the hedge trimmer eventually). As mother said, ‘Fancy doing gardening when you have a bad back’.

Then there was the Texas Chain Saw massacre duo who would only allocate half an hour to each customers garden. I was at mother’s house once when they invaded it, chain saw and lawnmower already running as they charged amok all over the place, chopping down branches and tunnelling out weeds. I fled to the safety of mothers living room and peered out from behind the curtains, imagining what I might look like if I’d gotten in their way. They always refused a cup of tea, always left something behind, and always left mothers garden looking like a hurricane had swept through it.

Wildlife and the frequent cat visitors weren’t seen for days afterwards and an eventual returning dawn chorus sounded more like a nervous titter.

They didn’t return either. Mother had to politely get rid of them (By phone, well away from any dangerous machinery), as they were making her, me and the neighbours a nervous wreck.

At present mother doesn’t have a gardener. Know of anyone?







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